Day Three of Marriage

Russ and I were half watching TV, half reading at the end of the evening last night when he says to me in in regards to a commercial for a cruise line, “I am never doing that. If you want to go on a cruise, that’s fine, but you’ll have to go without me. It sounds terrible. You’ll have to go with a friend or something. I’m never going.”

This proclamation on day three of marriage.

Slapping my book down, I whirled around at him and said, “DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME AT ALL?”

He looked at me gaped-mouth with his beer stopped halfway to his lips. Sort of like a deer in the headlights (minus the beer).

I was completely incensed. “How can you ask me that? Seriously? You know I hate cruises and I would never go on one.”

Then I threw down the guantlet, “Or do you?!”

Proof that Russ has selective hearing, or memory, or both, because I’m sure I’ve said this many times. The idea of being stuck on a boat, I don’t care where or how pretty the destination is, with tables and tables of food, and ridiculous dance parties and games of bingo, in between being sheparded like sheep onto land to get your money shot for your photo album, well, it all just sounds like hell. Give me a car, and sure as shit stay out of my way, until I learn the rules of driving anyway, and I am golden. Getting lost, driving through unexpected treasure troves of culture, getting directions from the locals, is the best way to get to know your destination.

Anyway, I digress. From this heated exchange last night, I decided maybe there should be a questionnaire that a couple should fill out before getting married to see how well they really know each other.  Maybe identifying your partner’s favorites and ” non-negotiables” in life will prevent another couple from the “cruise argument” down the line. Lord knows, there are bigger things to fight about!

Questions to ask your partner:

  1. What kind of vacation would I never take?
  2. Where would I never live?
  3. My favorite shoes?
  4. My favorite food and/or what I would never eat?
  5. My guilty pleasure TV program (that’s really just shit)?
  6. My favorite hockey player? (This is easy, I’m throwing him a bone here…)
  7. My favorite beverage and one I would never drink?
  8. My order of self-cleaning? (Admit it, we all have a system.)
  9. The one thing I am not good at?
  10. The thing that scares me most?

My answers:

  1. A cruise. (This is like a freebee after last night.)
  2. Suburbia. (There’s the country, or there’s the city. Suburbia is the deathtrap in between.)
  3. Blundstones, of course.
  4. All of it is good. Except oysters. I don’t know why.
  5. Judge Judy. There, I said it.
  6. Chara. (He’s a phenom and he simply defies physics. How does he do it?)
  7. Coffee and no soft drinks. There are better ways to spend your calories. It’s called dessert.
  8. My routine in the morning is to clean myself inside out, going north to south. First teeth, then…well, you get the picture I hope.
  9. Cooking. I get an A for effort though.
  10. Russ’ driving. Sounds histrionic, but it’s not.

Russ’ answers:

  1. A cruise. (Bingo! Simpatico!)
  2. Anywhere hot or near the ocean. Or suburbia. (Simpatico!)
  3. His “outdoor street shoes” made by Addidas. Not really a trail shoe, a running shoe, or a walking shoe, but sort of all three. In the house, it’s always his Birkenstock’s. He has two pair. One for home and one for traveling. Enough said.
  4. Anything that comes from the ocean. This is sad but true. (When I need sushi, go with a friend. For sushi. Not a cruise.)
  5. Match Game. (He’s a Jeopardy whiz, so I do not understand this at all.)
  6. I’m going to have to go with Bergeron. But he has several jerseys which makes it confusing.
  7. Russ drinks a specific brand of beer. The name of which I can’t recall, but I know what the carrying case looks like and where to find it exactly in the store. (This pretty much sums me up in a nutshell. I give directions exact like this. Thank God for Google maps.) What he won’t drink is MY coffee.
  8. Russ definitely goes north to south, but not inside out. He also owns a lot of tools and a couple of appliances to add into the mix. His routine is complex, but he’s on point every day. (It’s hot.)
  9. Driving. But that’s my opinion. Russ would say lots of things, but I haven’t found what it is yet.
  10. Sharks. At least that’s his excuse for not wanting to go in the ocean and he’s sticking to it.

Well, this all transpired on day three of marriage. Day four and he’s still wearing his wedding ring.

We’re killing this marriage thing.

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